I'd like to write my journey to mommyhood, before all the memory fades. Though it's started to, and the overwhelming emotions are far from what had REALLY happened (of course!), at least it's written down. I wish I'd written the feelings even when I was having contractions (if only I could) so that the real feelings and pains are portrayed.
Motherhood # (-4)
I didn't know why I was so energetic today. Had my day full w activities from the morning. It was about 2 weeks and few more days to my EDD,s o I decided to catch up w as many of my friends that I could before I'd be occupied w my tiny tot.
Had to arrange my schedule around my friends' because I had all the time in the world haha. Some of 'em, during lunch time, and some, swimming session afterwards yo. Hehe. Since having halal lunch up to our taste BUDS was almost impossible (picky me!), I volunteered to cook- woke up in the morning cooking breakfast for our guests, then only I cooked for lunch. I prepared stuffs for swimming and off to lunch! After that, I went swimming for about an hour and rushed to MSA event. Stayed there for about 10 mins and rushed (again) back home since I had quran tutoring session. I went back home just to realize that they decided to choose some other time for the session. My fault. Well, on the bright side, I got to do some cleaning up hehe. Late in the evening, we had dinner w our guests at one of the restaurants in birmingham- miles away and arrived home around 10ish. Gosh, I had a PowerPoint presentation to prepare for the program tomorrow!
Motherhood # (-3)
I had to wake up early in the morning to prepare for the slides. As usual, my morning routine would start w the loo first. And.... I found out that I already had bloody show. Took a deep breath- I may mistakenly think it's a show. Prayed and then, realized that- it WAS a show. Mr hubby woke up knowing nothing to do. Should we or shouldn't we attend the program in Birmingham? What do we need to expect? All sorts of questions lingered. And unanswered. Because no one knows except Allah, on when will the baby arrive tho there already was an early sign. Depends, people who have experienced it, would say. Even midwives and doctors said so. Hence we had to wait- but waiting is not me, especially w uncertain things. We then decided to prepare and stock up foods before the baby arrives.
Motherhood # (-2)
People kept asking about contractions, but I had no idea what it feels like. Well, first time mom. Lucky we had a guest (staying overnight) who was once a midwife, so we asked her and she checked and had a feel on my tummy. She confirmed that contractions were there, but not that strong. Hmm but they started getting stronger in the evening- had to stop doing work whenever I felt em. Since the contractions and the show, I barely felt my baby's movements. Here in the UK, whenever in doubt, whenever you feel like there's a reduced movements (or even increased movements) than usual ones, call the hospital and straight away head for a check. That's what we did. The midwife in charge then checked the baby's heartbeat and his movements. Normal, despite all the early labor signs. Alhamdulillah.
Motherhood # (-1)
Tick tock tick tock. The clock strikes midnight. Half an hour later, I was wide awake, contractions became regular and stronger- I couldn't sleep. Tried to distract myself; sitting on the gym ball and bounced on it. The clock's ticking, the contractions getting more frequent w less time interval. We rang the hospital to ask whether it's the right time to come or not. Instead, they asked me to take panadol n have a warm bath. Those didn't work either, contractions getting stronger. Hence we decided to go and have a check. I was hoping to get into labor- get it done and get it over with. Sadly it was just 2 cm dilated 😫 we were sent home because a first time mom might take days just to get to 4 cm dilated. 4 to 10 cm wont take that long. They just didn't wanna keep us there for days just for nothing.
I went home, frustrated. Contractions getting stronger but this time, irregular. I refused to go to the hospital just to be sent home again. Sitting on the birth ball, bouncing on it to get distracted and reminded myself that midwife said, "this is the time when gravity is your friend.." So i waited while doing those, until the contractions happened to be regular (but the fact was, they were not). Couldn't stand no more. I need to take the baby out!!
Motherhood # (0)
We went to the hospital, drove by my husband's friend who dropped us and left with our car. I vomited there and then, at the entrance. Midwife led unit wasn't far, but it felt like it was miles away. Upon arriving, I was checked by the midwife on duty and she confirmed that I was only 3cm dilated. I was too exhausted that my body couldn't cope w anymore dilation, hence the strong contractions were irregular. I tried to fight the pain by bouncing on the birth ball in the room we were in. Hubby kept telling me to breathe whenever the contractions came because I tend to hold my breath- which left my body muscle to be in oxygen debt while I should be getting enough to get my muscles work hard during labor.
On the other hand, I kept motivating myself that the pain will eventually be over and I'll be able to hold my baby. I asked the midwife will we be sent home again since I wasn't 4 cm dilated yet. She said we might be and she suggested that I took pethidine (pain killer) to let me have some rest. In the meantime she had to monitor me for bout 4 hours just to see how it's been progressing. If it didn't dilate further, they'd no choice but to ask us to wait at home before the real labour established. I didn't want thattttt!
So after having the pethidine injection, I had a couple of hours of rest before being awoken by strong contractions. Almost 4 hours in the room, I hoped that it's already 4 cm dilated at least. I was so frustrated that I felt like if we were sent home again, I might wanna just opt for home birth. Knowing how frustrated I was, hubby asked the midwife to examine me to see if it's already 4 cm. Phew, almost! It was 3.5 cm. But she said she's happy to keep me in the unit as the real labor soon be established. Hubby was supporting throughout, he hadn't had enough sleep himself seeing me in pain. The midwife asked me to have our breakfast first, have a long walk, climb up and down the stairs. "Take the baby out", she said. I was determined by then, I needed to get him out; it was too painful 😖
The pain doubled. At the back and the front.
"Allah, when'll this be over? I cant stand no more.."
So after just a short walk, we came back to the unit and the midwife said, "more more more, take the baby out", with her hand gestures. So I took the stairs, walked along the corridors ignoring all those people whose in rush.. They saw me in pain but who cares? I NEED TO TAKE THE BABY OUT! I stopped walking when the contraction came, put my palms on the hallway wall, trying to bear the pain. My back hurt at the same time. I had my husband massaged my back, I cried.
I had enough.
I decided that I wanted to take a warm shower to reduce the pain, so we went back to the unit. Just when I was about to sit, my water broke! It shocked me and I was panicked. The water was as if a big balloon filled with water is pricked by a needle, it burst.
[To be continued...]